Yes, friends, this is the official kvetching thread for Attack of the Clones. Spoilers welcome. If you don't want to learn about the scene where Suicide Squid saves the Jedi from the evil Dr. Calamari, stop reading now.

The crowd

My local mega-multiplex had something like eight screens showing the film simultaneously at 12:01am last night. As a result, I waited about 30 minutes just to spend $6 on a bottle of water and a "gourmet" pretzel that was ruined by having been covered in butter, sugar, and cinnamon. Can I please just have a normal, ordinary pretzel, sans goo? I probably saw five or six people dressed as Jedi, and all manner of nerd t-shirts. A local radio station showed up and was giving away t-shirts and stickers.

The previews

The audience made its preferences obvious. Advertisement for a Toyota Matrix car? Lame. Advertisement for Nestea? Extremely lame. Previews for Men in Black II, Austin Powers III, Matrix II and III? Excellent. It's the summer 'o sequels.

The movie

I'll start with the good bits. Space battles done (almost) right. Land battles done (truly) right. Light saber fu. Yoda fu. Jango Fett "where does he get all these wonderful toys" gadget fu. Samuel Jackson bad-ass fu. Ewan McGreggor, calm, collected, lethal fu. Natalie Portman clingy shirt with Princess Leia-like hair bun fu. It's all there.

Then, there are all the blatant references to the original Star Wars trilogy. From the oft cited Obi Wan comment to Anakin ("someday, you'll be the death of me") to a cameo appearance of the plans for the Death Star, it's all there, even the moisture farm where we later see Luke in the first film.

But, try as you might, this is a film where you really wish you had some additional commentary from Jim and the robots. Hayden Christensen's Anakin Skywalker was utterly unconvincing. I can hear Lucas trying to tell the boy "you're in love with her, but you're insanely mental about killing Tuskin Raiders; show me the emotion." The results were flat. While Jar-Jar Binks was thankfully reduced to being background player, and Anakin was grown up enough to stop saying "wheee!", Lucas had to add something in for the kids. Enter the junior Boba Fett, flying around with daddy Jango Fett screaming "go get 'im, daddy!" Still, the worst moments are the blasted "romance" scenes on Naboo, or really anything that's supposed to convince you that either Anakin or Padme have even the slightest affection for each other. You really wanted to dub it with dialog from Shaft. Anything would be better than this.

Oh, what I wouldn't give for Lucas to have hired an actual writer to write the prequel for him. Imagine what JMS (Babylon 5, Jeremiah, etc.) or Joss (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) could have done. Maybe we'd actually have a believable descent into darkness for Anakin. If nothing else, we'd have a much more believable political drama for the fall of the Republic.

Thank heavens the Lord of the Rings is at least being done right.