I want a way to reach out, from work to home, and slap down my laptop.

This is trivially easy. Borrow a coworker's cell phone and call 911. Tell them that you have suffered a home invasion and that you have locked yourself in the attic. Try to be appropriately anxious as you give them the address. They will usually cut the power before the SWAT team goes in so, assuming your local PD is not big on prolonged negotation and your computer needs a password to sign back on to e-mail, you should be all set.

Dang, I forgot. A laptop. What's your battery life like?