Has anyone given eharmony a try? Or any other on-line dating service? Or am I the only pathetic one who can't find someone by conventional means?

Me & my now wife Claire met through match.com, so I guess that's a recommendation

Hugo

I met my s/o through a personals site. I don't know if I'd recomend eHarmony if you happen to be agnostic or atheist. They used to be a Christan dating service until the changed their name to be more mainstream.

Breaking news: Online dating is no longer reserved exclusively for losers who can't get dates elsewhere.

I'm not clear that it ever was reserved exclusively for said losers, but there was definitely more of a stigma attached to it, say, 5 years ago than there is now. You'll still have the odd person or two react with a chortle or guffaw when they hear you met someone from the Big, Bad Internet, but these people are typically, well, idiots, and their opinion is therefore not worthy of consideration.

I guess online dating was a natural means for me, as I've been communicating online since the late 80s. Having tried a healthy dose of both "conventional" and online dating throughout college and since, I can say without hesitation that online dating is a perfectly valid and effective means of meeting people.

It's certainly not without its difficulties, though. Traditional dating has been described as a jungle, and the flora and fauna that you find in the online jungle can be even stranger than anything you'll find at the zoo. On the other hand, you have a birds-eye view of the entire jungle, and can scan it from above, only making direct contact with other inhabitants when you choose to.

To continue the jungle analogy, and quite possibly belabor it, online dating definitely provides a lot of cover for anyone who wants to conceal or disguise themselves in some way. You might read a profile, send a few emails, and chat with a person for awhile, but until you meet them in person, you're never quite sure what you're really getting. Over time, you'll learn how to better screen people, certain questions to ask, etc. that will make this easier, but it can be quite a challenge at first. The way I see it, though, it's a lot easier to screen through hundreds of people online than it would be to look around the local tavern and try to guess which one you might be compatible with. At least online, you can read about what kind of person they're looking for, ask a lot of questions, etc. before you have to go through the time and effort of meeting them.

I'd say I've met a dozen girls from online dating, four or five of whom I went on subsequent dates with. One of those I ended up in a steady relationship with for almost a year. Right now, I'm with a girl I met on Match.com a little over two months ago and things have been great so far. I have two very close friends who've met on dating services and are now married, and several others who are in long-term relationships after meeting online. I'm sure there are people who try it and for one reason or another don't like it, but I would at least give it a shot.

That being said, I don't know that eHarmony is the first place I'd try. I think they focus way too heavily on the idea that the computer can "match" you based on certain personality traits, your background, etc. As a control freak, I like to be the one directly specifying what I'm looking for, and then going through then and including/excluding them based on my own gut feelings. It's also notable that eHarmony was, until very recently, directly connected to James Dobson and the "Focus on the Family" crowd, and the site is definitely geared toward that kind of audience. While they don't make the religious angle as obvious as JDate.com does for Jews, it's definitely there, and I'm personally squeamish of anything Dobson touches. If none of that bothers you, then by all means, give it a shot. In terms of pure volume (number of profiles), Match.com and Yahoo Personals tend to be the most popular, and I think Kiss.com and Lavalife are in the mix as well. Those are all more "neutral" dating sites that I would at least take a look at.

I know there was a thread about this a while back (maybe 2-3 years ago) that had some other experiences, you might wanna do a search. Maybe some of those same folks will post here to update us on how they did.

Back when I was single, I was reasonably satisfied with JDate, despite being not terribly religious, although my thought at the time (being a graduate student living in central New Jersey) was that the JDate population nearby me was dwarfed by the population in New York. No big surprise, but if you're Jewish and living away from a critical mass of Jewish people, your mileage may vary. At the same time, I was underwhelmed by match.com and Yahoo Personals. You had to wade through a lot of drek to find what you were really looking for.

From speaking to people who are still doing the dating thing, there seems to be a split. The snarky high-brow people seem to favor nerve.com (which handles personal ads from many of the alternative weekly newspapers, salon.com, and so forth). The younger set seem to be all about myspace.com and/or facebook.com. Really, it's all about figuring out where your desired demographic tends to go, and then playing the numbers. From the women I've talked to, they tend to put up their ad and immediately get bombarded, forcing them to slog through a lot of poorly written letters. Thus, as the elgible bachelor, it's your obligation to be sufficiently good at writing to stand out enough for her to click on your profile, which likewise needs to be sufficiently well produced, both in terms of the text and your photos.

(And, for all the dating I did online, I met my wife because we're co-workers.)

EDIT: I just realized that Laura is going to be coming at this from a lady's perspective (duh!), although I suppose all the same advice applies. From women I've spoken to, if your profile is vague or whatnot, then you're going to get nothing but vulgar guys who are strictly playing a numbers game. If you're more discriminating in your writing, then you'll attract the guys who are similarly more discriminating (as well as the aforementioned numbers players). Like it or not, you'll have to slog through all the people trying to gain your attention. For a hillarious discussion on this topic, check out this thread on Yehoodi, a swing dancer's web site.

I have no personal experience here but what the heck.... I don't think there's anything weird about someone meeting their partner through an mainstream dating/matching website. If anything it's more likely to help you find someone with the a good ratio of similar:dissimilar interests. I sometimes wish my girlfriend and I had more interests in common, however I would not want a girlfiend who could sit discuss the relative merits of PHP over ASP for a database-driven website or the best way syncronise remote video feeds.

Chat rooms and IRC are another matter, my flatmate from Uni met his (now) wife on IRC and they couldn't be happier, she gave up a promising job and moved from SoCal to rainy miserable Salford to live with him in a miserable student house so she must've been serious. However my ex-boss left his wife and children for someone he met in a chat room, the relationship lasted about six months because she wouldn't stop shagging other men, I never met her but she sounded like decidedly weird, the exact opposite of his ex-wife.

I suppose it's safe to say YMMV, but certainly there shouldn't be any stigma attached to saying you met online.

Oh, online dating is totally valid. It's a 21st century time and effort saving way that the labor-intensive traditionalists dislike because they think it's too easy.

I can't recommend eHarmony though. Bored one night, I thought I'd whip through their profile just for fun. Damn thing took me about 3 hours to finish (on and off, I needed breaks). And, ultimately, it's just another website with a comparison algorithm.

I'd stick to Match.com or, my favorite when Match locked down a little, AmericanSingles.com. They have weaker comparison algorithms, but they let you use your human side to pick and choose. More interactive = more fun.

Saddly, if online dating is a jungle, then I must be a fish in a lake somewhere. I tried for a few months, but nobody would contact me back. Never could figure out why, so I assumed it must be a scam or my profile was terrible. Must be a way to make it work......

I dunno, seems like plenty of normal, real girls on the sites. Maybe they're fake, controled by the site; maybe they are very selective.

And about eHarmony: It's pretty high pressure too. It pairs you with someone, and you have to accept or reject that person ASAP. You can only have a few active pairings at once, so if you don't take action, your profile is wasting space on the other peoples' active pair lists. They get ansy, wanting to move forward or move on.

Worse, you can't see pictures unless you pay. So, you fill out a four hour survey, the short fuse starts burning for your active pairs, and you can't even see them. They start trying to talk, you don't want to give them a greenlight until you can see them, and you're not sure you want to pay the big signup fee. Pretty high pressure.

But, if you want to trust their comparison algorithm, it will give you a set of people who also trust it, and you may just have a match! I like a little more input into the decision...... maybe that's why I'm still single (maybe it's because I'm apathetic).

Just wanted to say that I hope you find the S.O. that you're looking for. You deserve a good one.

You're not repulsive Rob and you are right that there are more guys than girls so you have to make your profile stand out.

Fire Fox, it did take quite a while to fill out the application and I have yet to plunk down the membership fee, guess I'm a bit scared. So I can't be contacted nor make contact yet. I have closed the match on a few guys just by what they said.

Robotic, very good suggestions.

Thank you John, I've been having a hard time making myself believe that. Low self-esteem is difficult to overcome.

I filled out the eHarmony profile and was rejected; three times. I gave up after that. I really didn't want to, but my parents bugged me to at least try it, so I did. I printed out the rejection page and gave it to them so they'd stop bugging. :P

I met my wife through match.com. That was 8 years ago. I have no idea how I would have ever met a partner without using the internet. I'm pretty sure I'd still be single and unhappy if I hadn't taken the risk.

I actually had an orignal charter membership to match.com that was free for life. I have no idea what the services are like now but I was very impressed with them back then. Most web services were not very sophisticated in 1996 but match.com had an excellent profile matching system and a well designed site.

Why would someone be rejected?

Are you married?

You don't have to post your particular reason I'm just wondering why they would reject someone.

My guess is it has something to do with religion.

Oh dear.

Wikipedia to the rescue!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eharmony

Initially I did a google search for 'eharmony review', which gave loads of hits, but it was overwhelming. Then I thought of Wikipedia.
The write up doesn't quite give 'the other side of the coin', but it's a good start, I guess.

I have a friend that met his wife through a singles newspaper type thing. This was many years ago before online services existed.

One plus to the high price of eharmony may be that you get more serious people ?

Aha, yeah, that wikipedia entry explains how people can get disqualified. Interesting.

Guess I'm depressed. I still think it has something to do with my answers to the religious questions.

My only experience with eHarmony is through a friend (who is also a coworker). She's tried a bunch of online things, and has met people that way, but never the 'right' person. So, she gave eHarmony a shot. She said the psych profile was very thorough and she was excited to see who her perfect match would be. After three months, she finally got a hit. Problem was, the guy was not exactly her match, since he seemed a lot more interested in guys (most influential person was his first boyfriend, etc). Its a great story for when we go out with friends and she starts giving me crap

- Tim

I'm not exactly brimming over with joy myself. Much more doom and gloom so I wonder why I passed the test. I also have two failed marriages, but not three I've got five more days to get a full refund.

Let me just add one more vote for match.com - happily married as a result of giving them a try

My own match.com story is a bit less than fulfilling. I had a few dates, but it always felt like a huge slog, wading through tons, and tons of crappy cookie cutter profiles. Everyone I ended up meeting, though, was a normal person -- most were there just because they were too busy with school or work to be as active as they'd like, but wanted to meet people outside their regular circle of work/schoolmates.

Even if the social stigma against online dating has decreased, it doesn't make that much difference when you hold that stigma yourself. When I was participating (I'm not, anymore, having been found by my current girlfriend offline at an icerink) I was embarassed, and felt like a loser for having to "resort" to it. Logically, I knew there was nothing wrong with it, for all the reasons in the posts above and more, but the battle in my head wasn't so simple. Low self-esteem was part of the problem, which fortunately resolved on its own as I got more involved in the dating world. Now, I wouldn't give it a second thought -- I'd jump back into online dating in a heartbeat: it's just one more place where I can meet people that have similar interests.

I have one good friend I met online at match, who is getting married this spring to a guy she met through match. Another friend is getting married this summer to a girl he met on LavaLife. The friend that introduced me to online dating got married a few years ago to a guy she met online, who is the antithesis of what she would have picked from the off-line dating pool. It's becoming a very frequent 'how we met' story among people I know.

That said -- don't give up on off-line sources. I know just as many people who met their current partners in the off-line world while they were doing the on-line thing (often as a result of taking some sort of classes).

Ok, so I paid my money and joined and 4 days later decided it wasn't for me and applied for a full refund since you had 7 days to change your mind. Joining was much easier. After completing the on-line refund form I was instructed to call during business hours to get a refund confirmation. Of course I got put on hold and had to listen to a sales pitch how you really need to give it a full year to find the right person and not to give up looking etc. etc. Then when I did get to talk to a person, they tried to persuade me not to quit by offering me 6 months at the 3 months price. I said no thank you and was told my credit card would be refunded. I'm not so sure I would try them again.

Well, nothing ventured, nothing gained, I suppose. You might be more comfortable with one of the other online sites mentioned in the thread -- they're certainly cheaper, and allow you to browse for free, so you can have a looky-lou before deciding to pay.