Bless me, Father, for I have been a clumsy boob.
It has been two days since my last confession.
Perhaps some background is needed, Father...
I drink a lot of liquids while I'm working at my computer. When the liquids were Pepsi and its variants, I tended to gain weight. I lost approximately 40-50 pounds over a period of a couple years, one of the factors of which was switching to diet drinks.
In search of the perfect diet drink, I tried a lot of different things. Basic diet drinks, like Diet Pepsi, taste like panther piss and were ruled out immediately. Although a lot of other drinks were fine, being able to drink them in large quantities without totally losing faith in them is very hard. Diet Dr. Pepper, Diet Mountain Dew, Diet Squirt... They all got old after a while. In addition, since I am not a Coffee Achiever, these drinks ideally should contain my recommended daily allowance of Caffeine. Which is a problem because not many of the good-tasting diet drinks contain caffeine at all.
After much soul-searching, I now believe that the One True Drink is Diet Peach Snapple Iced Tea. So I now buy the stuff in exceedingly large quantities. As you may know, Snapple comes in 16-ounce glass bottles with a twist-off cap. I keep at least two 12-packs at work with me at all times. I keep one of the 12-packs in the office fridge, and regularly make little voyages to the fridge to get another Snapple. Coincidentally, I make approximately the same number of excursions to the restroom in a given day, but that's beside the point...
Snapple is essentially instant tea mix. It's ordinary water mixed with flavored powder at the bottling plant. So each bottle has some of the flavoring powder "settled" at the bottom. It is important, nay, critical, to shake the bottle well before opening. If you don't, the drink doesn't taste right at all.
When it's time to shake the bottle, I turn it upside down as part of the process. The upside down part is an important step; by inverting the bottle, it puts the "air space" at the bottom, so that the turbulence of the air and water loosens the settled contents most efficiently. It would take much more effort to adequately mix the bottle if it were right side up. Also, the inverted position allows for inspection and verification that the settled contents have indeed been fully dislodged from the bottom of the bottle. I have been doing this, literally, for years. These habits evolve over time, you see. The act of taking the bottle and mixing its contents is well-practiced, and I do it as precisely and deftly as a karate black belt parries a blow.
So... I am working at my computer, reading things on the screen which I am intently focused upon. I have recently returned from the fridge with my fourth Snapple of the day. I have not taken a drink yet. I am so transfixed by what's upon the screen that I only vaguely take notice of the bottle beside me on the desk. I only see it through my peripheral vision.
I get thirsty, and I realize that the fresh new Snapple is there beside me. Years of force-of-habit cannot be suppressed. I take the bottle in my hand, and without taking my eyes off the screen, turn it upside down with the goal of shaking it.
To appreciate this, you must close your eyes and visualize my crisp, deliberate, and calculated motions as I quite purposefully turned the completely full but also completely uncapped bottle upside down over my own lap.
The only saving grace is that the stuff is diet, so it's not sticky. It's thin enough that I don't think it'll stain my tan slacks and shirt. Perhaps I can just let it dry and it will be as if nothing had ever happened...
Father, do you have any penance to assign?
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