Lately, I've been a little depressed. Just general, all-purpose stuff. Grumpy, sleepy, many of the other dwarves, too. Don't want to go to work, don't want to go to bed, don't want to wake up.

Today, for the first time in quite a while, it's absolutely gorgeous outside. A little bit warm (80F), but a good summer day, with a good but not too-strong breeze, which feels good on the mild sweat you build up when in the sun. Few clouds, and those that are there either high, streaky ones far in the distance or very small cotton balls rushing by, trying to get out of the way of the sky as azure as a ... very azure thing.

And I'm stuck inside in this damn cubicle. No windows. Fluorescent lights. Nothing to differentiate between today and the past few weeks of near-constant thunderstorms or an overcast day or even nighttime, for that matter.

So I decided to play hooky. I left for lunch a little early and told myself that I was just going to take the rest of the day off. I went down to Pullen Park, the place I spent the only day I ever played hooky from high school. (It was rainy that day; a girlfriend had just broken up with me.)

I walked around the park, past the screaming kids and their parents and nannies hanging around the swings and the carousel, heading for the carpet-like expanses of grass, oddly well-kept for a city park. Maybe it actually grows that well on its own. I wandered around there for a while. Two purple-blue-black butterflies in some sort of fight or tryst scooted just past my head, they, the bees, and the occasional bird the only living things in sight. Even the traffic from the nearby roads seemed distant -- almost nonexistent -- as I marveled at nature.

I continued on towards the college campus (I was getting hungry by now, being lunch time, after all) I walked up a sparsely grassed, but tree-y hill. Suddenly, I noticed a man lurking behind a tree; he seemed to be watching me. I can only imagine he was hiding as much as I was, but I got the impression his concealment was somewhat more nefarious, so I avoided him. It didn't really make much different which direction I went, anyway.

As I got nearer campus, people started becoming closer and more crowded. But that's okay; this is nature, too, of a different sort. These kids were outside, walking around, going to Calculus or Physics, with more freedom than they're likely to have again for a long time. I'd already decided that I wasn't going to feel guilty. I wandered through campus, trying to take the same routes I'd taken a decade before, but they'd all left me. I always knew what direction I was heading and where I was, but it was never where I thought I was going to be.

It's lunchtime for the students, too, so there were a lot of them around. Walking somewhere, sitting on the grass, on the walls. Even the brickyard preacher had taken the day off from harassing the immorality of the student body. Perhaps it was too nice for him to work, too. That's okay; I was watching the student bodies as much as he ever did.

Heading to the comic book shop where I used to work, I still managed to take a slightly incorrect route. Of course, no one I knew was working there, except for the manager. He was confused about my presence, but I told him I was playing hooky and smiled.

So I decided to get a slice of pizza at the place next to the shop. There were a lot of folks there, but it doesn't take long to reheat a slice of pizza. I think there was a football player in line directly in front of me. He never removed the cell phone from his ear, and I heard him talking about not getting drafted. Maybe he's someone ``important''. Not today.

There's only one table outside on the sidewalk, but it was available. All those kids with that beautiful day, and they wanted to be inside. Fine. More day for me. I watched students walk by and bank customers try to parallel park. Some guy who looked like he'd spent the last couple of years sitting outside in that same patio-furniture chair commented on how nice it was. Yup.

I started to walk back to my car to get a crossword puzzle and a novel to while the day away back at the park. I took a different route back, not so much through campus this time. It took me by the baseball fields, where there were two groundskeepers measuring the lines for bases and cutting the grass. I could just imagine a game being played on a day just like today, throngs of people pressing at the chain-link fence, cheering. Today, it was just the three of us.

I had to cross over a railroad track. I must have managed to avoid noticing a bridge on the way to campus before. Surprisingly, there was an obvious footpath to a gap in the shubbery. People had been passing this way before, but who? I was the only person in sight. You'd think it would take more than one person a day. I could hear a whistle in the distance, but looking down the tracks revealed nothing but a red light shimmering in the distance in either direction. There was a train coming, but it was a long way away. I still had the inclination to run across the tracks in case one materialized in thin air, rather than traveling the mile or so in plain sight it would have to to get to me, but I forced myself to walk along calmly, looking at the rails and the ties and the variety of spikes holding the tracks down. Do all train tracks have those same blue-grey stones? Do they come from some train supply yard?

Suddenly, I was back in the park. Folks were sitting on benches, looking at me as if I came from some faraway land. But I just kept walking, back towards the kids. I needed to find a good place to sit and read. A few minutes later, I heard the train pass by. It was moving about ten miles an hour. It's a good thing I got past the tracks first.

Why do kids like to scream?

I went to the far side of the pond. The ducks and geese I remembered were still there, but they seemed fewer. Probably not enough people feeding them anymore; I didn't have anything on me. I should have kept my pizza crust, but it hadn't occurred to me. There's nobody on this side of the pond. An old, large oak had been wrapped by a handmade bench; it would be a perfect place, shade, the breeze whipping around the trunk just right, except that there was some sort of pumping station right next to it.

Further around the pond, still no people, there were a number of other good candidates -- none as good as that oak, minus the pump, but good. A bridge cut across the tail end of the pond, and I spent some time looking at the ducks paddle by. The water was far from clear, but I could still see their feet paddling like crazy under the water, their calm bodies above hardly belying that, and the huge V-shaped wakes their small bodies left behind.

Just over the bridge, there were a motley collection of geese, all different colors. There was even a Canada goose hanging out with them. The ducks seemed to keep to themselves. I sat down on a bench to a barrage of squawks, but, slowly, the chorus slowed and they crept closer -- close enough to touch. They pecked at my feet, but soon went back to the grass when they realized that neither I nor my feet had any snacks to provide. A park attendant came by with a bag of stale hot dog buns and I continued on after watching them squawk at her for a few minutes.

Walking back across the front side of the pond, I looked across at the calm but rippling water and the flora framing it, smiled, and realized that I was happy. I don't think I've been happy for quite a while. But reality quickly came back and it occurred to me that I'd accomplished what I intended. So I decided that I probably needed to get paid more than I needed to continue my bliss-out and went back to work.

So here I am now, back in my environmentless cube, having been blindly tossed into a meeting having nothing to do with me, but involving slight beration from one of my managers, with basically nothing to do, and the only happiness I have is from that memory of earlier today, already fading. I think I need to take a long lunch tomorrow, too.

thank you sir, i enjoyed

Agreed. Every break from work should be as such.


I've come to accept depression as a part of who I am, along with many other faults. Bleh.

Now I think I shall go to lunch.

Thanks Bitt.

You have to enjoy those small moments of contentment where you can find them. Nice post.

I've found working out during lunch helps break up the day. We are lucky to have a gym right across the parking lot, and when some of us at work go for a run, we got a place to take a shower.

Ah, too nice.

It's a nice day here, too. I've got a window so I can partially enjoy it while working, but I should take a walk outside, too. Thanks, Bitt!

I can't even tell you how much this hits home... Great stuff... Thanks.

to tell you the truth, i was a little disappointed when the wierd fellow dint start licking your toes or something else equally as odd.

That needs to be in one of those emails that gets forwarded around the net.

Thanks, folks for the positive feedback. I just thought that I needed to talk about it in some way.

i was a little disappointed when the wierd fellow dint start licking your toes or something else equally as odd

You know, me, too. But I did avoid him. He was nearly skulking behind that tree. And he seemed to pop out of nowhere. In retrospect, it was kind of like he was a crack-addicted tree sprite.

That needs to be in one of those emails that gets forwarded around the net.

I don't know if that's a compliment or an insult.

The guy behind the bushes was probably just logging a geocache that was hidden there..

I left cubesville in 1996, and hope that I never have to return there.

Cheers

In retrospect, it was kind of like he was a crack-addicted tree sprite.

may have been a taotaomona

I don't know if that's a compliment or an insult.

LOL. Ok, I'll take that back if it makes you feel better

It was meant as a compliment obviously.

Reading your post made me think that there are a lot of us who go through bouts of depression. I think for some it is just natural and a part of us.

Your post also made me realize how much I love my job of being a road tech, driving around all day from store to store. Somedays I get to take very scenic routes in the country and I marvel at the hawks going after their prey, and watch the formations of ducks and geese and notice the small things like a groundhog moving around on the side of the road or a deer watching in the woods and all of the other wildlife almost daily. I slow down and watch the different planes going overhead and miss being up there, I'll watch the different clouds formations and try and name them. Sometimes driving in the rain and traffic isn't so much fun, but I am so glad I'm not stuck inside all day somewhere.

Excellent, Bitt.

Fine. More day for me.

Perfect.

Perfect Bitt, Bitt.

God gives gifts even to those that refuse to acknowledge Him...

Not looking for an argument, that’s all I'll say about that. : )

That really was beautiful, thank you for sharing it with us.

Here's my day. I wake up at about 2:00 am. I make a couple posts in the Anna Lindh thread to try to piss someone off. I am out of deodorant. The last few days I've just been scraping a little off and applying it by hand, since the stick won't go up anymore. This morning i don't even try. No time to take a shower. I put on a dirty shirt, get in my piece of [censored] car and go about 70 in a 35 over the new bridge. I'm gonna be late for work, but I could care less,; I just like driving fast. When I'm passing a car, I try to get as close to the car as possible, to where our side mirrors almost hit eachother. I know one of my tires is going to blowout anyday now. Expired tag, no registration. I don't give a shit. I hope a pass up a cop, I know he won't catch up with me. I get to work and start breaking things. I load packages onto trucks, and I take pride in breaking them. My manager does the same. The quality assurance guy comes by with his tape gun around 5 am. "Uh, you gonna tape that box up?" I tell him no, that's his job. Stupid looking motherfucker. last week at our monthly little meeting, the faggy terminal manager said from now on anyone who is late 2 days in a row is fired. Well this is my 3rd day, bitch. And I haven't heard shit. What the fuck?? pussy. His ears stick out and his skin is pale white. The P&D coordinator (whatever the hell that means) is a little peckerhead. He tries to act important and tells me to do stuff, I just say okay and don't do it, then he leaves me alone. He knows not to fuck with me. I would break his back in a heartbeat. Me and another guy go snort some blow in the back while we wait for another truck. A few people at work want to go to the UL game tonight. I feel like starting a fight, so I'll have to go get some whiskey tonight. Most of the preloaders at work have been there for several months, and we're all real tight. The middle-aged mangers don't talk shit to us like they used to when I first started. They know not to fuck with us, because we work together and their screwed without us. nobody there really gives a [censored] about the job, because it sucks so bad. One time the faggy terminal maanger fired me, because he was saying "do it like this" , "do it like that". I said well let me see you do it motherfucker?? He couldn't do it. I told him i'll go clock out and comeback and watch him do it. He rehired me the next day. Another time he told me I couldn't keep my gun in my car at work, corporate policy. He said he didn't want someone to go psycho and shoot the place up. I told him to go fuck himself. time to go home, payday. I check my timecard to make sure they weren't stealing hours from us again like they used to. I drive home, trying to get as close to crashing as possible without crashing. i stop by Whataburger and get a number 1 with cheese. I eat it and then type this. I will probably fall asleep in a few hours. The End.

Deliciously demented!

I'm glad you enjoyed it!


EDIT: ps - nice alliteration

hmmm. thanks for ruining the moment.


Thursdays I have a crappy day at Uni. 10am start and 10pm finish.
One of the few joys is taking the ferry back past the city at night. The ripples reflecting the lit up sky line, and a fresh breeze washing over. The ferry cuts through the water, throught the cold air so that the breath sticks in your nose.
Too bad it only lasts about a minute and a half. After a long day, it's so welcome.

Too bad you couldn't take that same lunch break yesterday. It's amazing how the weather can turn in a single day. Thursday was one of the most beautiful days of the entire "summer" that the east coast got this year, and Friday we had to have gotten a couple inches of rain in one day. Was it like that in NC as well?

well, now you got a bigass storm headed your way.

What's new? This entire year has been an enormous washout.

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What's new? This entire year has been an enormous washout.

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You just live on the wrong continent

Well I mean moreso than normal. It's been insane this year. Just with the current accumulation of rain, we've had the third rainiest year on record, the last being in 1906 or something, and we have over three more months to go. There are other stats that are pretty impressive, including a bad mosquito one, but I don't have the accurate numbers down, and I want to get them right. All I know is we've had a terrible year for weather, and this entire week is going to be overcast and rainy...:(

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Well I mean moreso than normal. It's been insane this year.

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Well, here too - but the opposite from you. The heat wave of the century. Thousands of people died from heat exposure in France and Italy. Dams breaking here in Holland because of low water levels and drought (yes, I know, counter-intuitive, but...).

Yeah, that's what's weird. You guys have record heat, we have record rain, and I just got back from Seattle where they're having a freaking drought!